Hubby was raised in a very traditional family – Christian, two parents, married to each other (never divorced); Mom stayed home with the boys while Dad went to work, and the whole crew went to church every Sunday. It seems to be understood that women do domestic things, and men support the family. While Hubby’s Mom taught him how to cook and do laundry, I don’t think he routinely did his own until he was a teenager. Even fairly recently, at family functions, Hubby’s father and brothers (and, for the first while, Hubby, too) disappeared to watch sports when it was time for the cooking, or cleaning, or childcare, which, of course, is not what my family ever did, and really drove me nuts for the first while. It is funny, as none of them are particularly chauvinist; it’s just what has always been done.
In my own family, tradition went out the window pretty early. My parents divorced when I was quite young, and my family took on quite a non-traditional structure after that. I was raised in an overtly feminist home, where established gender roles, in particular, were constantly challenged. I was encouraged to take shop courses in school, and was not only told, but also shown, that women could do anything they pleased. I grew up knowing woman mechanics, doctors, woodworkers, engineers, construction workers, and cops. Not so amazing now, I know, but unusual in the early ’80’s.
Based on our vastly different childhoods, you can imagine the conflicts Hubby and I had when we were working out who did what in the home. With both of us working full time, I was adamant that it was not my job to do all the cooking and all the laundry and the tidying and the vacuuming and, and, and…
Hubby claimed the snow shoveling and lawn mowing plus half the cooking, but when I sat down with him and wrote out all the things that needed to be done for us to be clean and fed, he recognized that there was a certain amount of inequality there. Furthermore, because we had rather different standards of what qualified as ‘clean’, I felt the need to schedule chores, and scheduling the chores became one more job I had to do. Bleh.
Well, over the years, we worked it out, and Hubby pulled his share or more of the cooking and cleaning for a long time. He’s not actually all that committed to the status quo; he had just never been challenged on his expectations regarding gender roles. He has never felt threatened by my well-paid job or my ability to do basic mechanics, which really is a relief, and he always supports me in learning or doing whatever I enjoy, whether it fits the stereotypes or not. As you may guess, Hubby has some non-traditional leanings of his own.
When we moved to the acreage, the plan really did not include Hubby getting a job. Of the two of us, I have the more stable and higher-paying work, and I enjoy my job a lot more. Hubby has as many years in University as I do, but switched majors, and never did get that degree. He does not particularly enjoy labor jobs, though hard work does not put him off at all. He wants to be intellectually challenged, which you just don’t get framing houses or delivering packages. For the wages he would earn, we would have to buy another vehicle, insure it, pay for gas, get him work clothes and probably tools, pay more for food (he sure would not be growing it), and I would have a lot more stress, dealing with a higher percentage of the housework. We discussed it, and really, unless we were talking a very high wage, his time is more valuable to us here, renovating, fixing the barn, building fences, growing our food, and keeping house. I know I am certainly less stressed when I come home from work to a hot meal on the table, rather than having to figure out what the heck to cook when I am tired and hungry. I also have not touched the vacuum or picked up a broom since we’ve been here, but the house is still nice and clean, which is pretty sweet – all I really have to do is go to work, do my job, come home and relax, which is such a luxury after years and years of being single and doing everything myself.
A cousin offered Hubby an excellent job, making awesome money, and that one was tempting. The only issue being that he would be on the road three weeks out of every month, and, for health reasons, I am not supposed to lift more than 20 pounds right now, and somebody has to haul water for the animals twice a day. Oh, well. It’s not like we’re broke and starving as it is, and really, we’re both pretty content with the current arrangement. While being rich might be fun, it’s not really something we aspire to.
I was chatting on the phone with a family member the other day, and was asked when Hubby was going to get a job. I get this question quite a bit, from family and colleagues. Said family member seemed pretty taken aback when I said it really was not in the master plan right now. There was something of a debate over why we would make such an obviously silly choice, when Hubby could be out earning something, and I found myself feeling pretty defensive about our choices. Then it hit me.
I politely asked if he would feel the same way if Hubby was working in a well paid professional job that covered all the bills, and I was staying home and doing the cooking, cleaning, livestock maintenance, home upkeep, foster child care, and such. The long silence was pretty informative.
To my family member’s credit, he immediately switched gears and started brainstorming ways Hubby could continue doing what he is doing, but also make money, like running a daycare, which, while not really in the plan, at least fits more appropriately with what we’re trying to do here.
It is easy to forget that our little family does not follow the predominant social rules, and while we aren’t exactly on a crusade to change people’s perceptions, I still get a little annoyed at the surprised looks we get when I tell people Hubby is a homemaker. Maybe someday, the world will just allow people to take the roles that suit them best, without fussing so much over what is ‘manly enough’, or ‘properly feminine’…
Although I can’t believe we are still dealing with this b******t today, I am happy that you have raised the point. It’s very true that gender roles continue to play a huge part int he perceptions of men and women in their respective careers.
A good friend of mine is a stay-at-home dad and he is constantly asked if he is ‘babysitting’….really? Do you babysit your own kid? I call this parenting.
Another good friend has chosen to return to work after only a few weeks of maternity leave. You can imagine the judgmental glances she gets on the office floor. It’s interesting. If her husband had chosen to return to work after the kid was born, no one would have blinked an eye. Because that’s what dads do.
And I look at my daughter, who is now almost two, and think, “how can I show you empowerment, diversity, strength, vulnerability, and love?” Certainly, these characteristics don’t have to evolve in gendered ways. I know they can be because she’s got two moms, three grandmas, one bubie, a great-grandmother and a whole bunch of aunties and all of them can teach her these things.
Also, don’t even get me started on the political economy of labour/leisure. I’ll leave that rant for another day. Just to say, that we are more than our jobs and leisure can be a subversive activity. Keep reading, Hubby!
Rebecka – I think you, your family, and your friends are diverse enough to provide many excellent models for your daughter. I think the diversity, and respect for diversity is the key. Many of the ways of being I observed as a child (parts of which I later incorporated into my own way of life) came from extended family or close friends of my family. I would guess she will have the ability to chose from several equally-valid ways to approach the world that have been modeled for her, and that will make her resilient.
It is not typical in our society to recognize people as being important outside of their economic roles, and I may get on that rant sometime, too, especially since there used to be a lot of economic roles that weren’t necessarily work-for-pay, but were still valued and important in society – think farmer, homemaker, etc. Maybe I will get going on this another day 🙂
Everything has the potential to be subversive. In our case, apparently just choosing to live the way that suits us best is turning out to be pretty subversive – undermining gender roles, consumerism, corporate food structures, “progress”, and so on…just because we work in the ways we each prefer, without regard to getting rich or getting ahead, and grow our own eggs and potatoes. Go figure…
Just to clarify on Mom’s working life a bit, she worked full time before us boys showed up, and then went back to working part time once we were in school. And I don’t remember it being shown as a “woman vs man” thing. It was more of a “if we want to eat decently and the house is ever going to be clean it sure ain’t gonna happen with Dad doing it!” Dad wasn’t really one to cook. Wanted to! But couldn’t. Mom actually finished her teaching degree once us boys weren’t taking up all her time and started doing substitute teaching; which really sucked when she showed up at our schools. Thankfully she always refused the jobs that involved our classes. It was bad enough when all the kids talked about how great of a sub my mom was and that I must be a horrible son to not want her in class. She’s my mom! It wasn’t cool to have her as my teacher.
All three of us were forced to cook and clean because Mom was hell bent on ensuring two things. First, she wanted to make sure we could take care of ourselves and whomever we married wasn’t going to get some lazy do-nothing bums of husbands. And second, she didn’t want to do it all. Once we were teens we were pretty much 100% responsible for washing our own laundry and cleaning our bathroom. But she told us when to clean the bathrooms. Apparently your hubby and I weren’t very aware of the stink coming out of the one we shared.
Oh, Hubby’s Brother, I get it – I was certainly not slamming your Mom! I know she taught you to cook and clean, and, knowing her standards, probably quite well (I would guess Hubby did some backsliding during his bachelor years, lol). And, I have to admit, Hubby is not only an excellent cook, but is much better than I am at baking.
I sometimes kind of envy your perfectly normal childhood, to be honest. The difference in perspective, really, is that I do not ever remember my mother cooking or cleaning for a husband – they divorced when I was very young, and even then, before the divorce, Mom worked full time. I started doing my own laundry at 7 or 8, and was regularly cooking meals for the family (a night or two a week) by ten, though I remember standing on a chair and making french toast in an electric frying pan, unsupervised (I think Mom was still sleeping) at about age 6 (Could have been as young as 5, but we moved out of that house by the time I was 7). This was not really a choice, I don’t think, but rather the reality of a single working Mom, and I suspect that if Mom could have arranged things differently, she would have. Think for a second about what your own kids see and do, at that age – have they done their own laundry? Cooked family meals? Run the vacuum? Who cooks, and who cleans, and who earns the money and pays the bills? They are developing their expectations about gender roles right now, just like you and Hubby did, just like I did. Just that they (and you) have a somewhat different model from what I had.
Now obviously you guys were raised to be open-minded, and clearly Hubby (and both of you brothers) are okay with women doing whatever they want to do, traditional or otherwise. Even your Dad has been really cool about including some of the ladies in my family in car conversations! I know your wife is pretty non-traditional in her own ways. However, society hasn’t really caught up to that, and THAT was really where I was trying to go with my post…
Ya, I know you know that I know that you know… 🙂
Just making sure that the world is aware of what you know. I should’ve also added that we were forced to iron our own clothes which is super mean.
Really? Hubby has managed to completely block that from his memory…(or maybe he just doesn’t want to iron my work shirts…)
PS – upon further questioning, Hub says he did not ever have any clothing that required ironing…
I unfortunately did have shirts that required ironing for work. And “Hub” did too, he just didn’t bother to iron them since he wouldn’t get fired anyways.
Hi JJ. I just wanted to return the blog visit and thank you for your comment and follow up. A lot of people were interesting in the topic of bartering, so the more input and experiences we share, the better.
Regarding your post here, I think the problem is that folks don’t know how to mind their own business. IOW, the world is full of busy bodies! I’m sure most of them are well meaning, but it’s really nobodies business what suits you and your husband best. I have always regretted not being able to take shop in school. Not that I’m particularly interested in building things, but because I would have liked to have a better knowledge of how to use tools. We homeschooled and I made sure my son learned basic household skills: cooking, sewing, laundry, etc., and that my daughter learned some woodworking, basic electrical skills, how to change the oil on her car, etc. For myself, I always scored highest in the domestic arts on aptitude tests, so when it comes to woman’s so-called traditional role, oh yeah, I’m in my element. My DH would love to be home full time right beside me, but we still have a mortgage, so he has to have a job.
Thanks for coming by, Leigh!
I want to be the stay at home wife, 2 years 5 days but I’m not counting.
lol, Bonita, I think you’ll go nuts – as much work as there is out there, you’ll do it all and go looking for more…
What an interesting exchange between JJ and Hubby’s Brother. Well I’m Hubby’s Aunt (his mom’s sister), so I’m from the “traditional” generation. Although we may be considered as raised traditional (whatever that really means?) I always said that our dad (hubby’s grandfather) raised his girls like boys. We grew up on an Alberta prairie farm in the 50’s, 60’s & 70’s. There was lots of hard work to be done and there was no debate as to who did what — if you were told to get it done — you did. Us girls spent pretty much the same amount of time outside shovelling sh–, milking cows, slopping hogs, driving tractors, chucking hay as the boys did. In fact a couple of us did all of it for many years, because the boys had already left home — so we were the full-time outdoor slaves and then went indoors and did the cleaning and cooking too. If you were a warm, moving and breathing human being on the farm you worked. The traditional part came into play when the boys entered the house. Now the gender roles became defined. We girls had to transition from cow milker etc. to cook, cleaner and wait on the boys. It was total BS. The boys didn’t have to clean their rooms, wash dishes, cook or pick up their clothes. I think this idea actually came more from our mother than dad, as he was very considerate about helping with household chores. It was our mom who coddled the boys saying they worked so hard outside with dad, so she didn’t make them do anything in the house. Needless to say my sisters and I made up our minds that when we got married and raised boys they would bloody well learn to do household chores/work so they weren’t useless & entitled butts in the house. Has it worked for us? We tried to train them, but as humans we often will take the path of least resistance, so I’m sure the guys will also take the easy way, if allowed to. Gender roles? What does it matter who does what — if it needs doing, get it done. Some stuff is definately physically more challenging for a woman, but it doesn’t mean you can’t work at it together. Jess, good for you and Hubby in how you’ve worked out things for your lives. Does it always just fall into place — heck NO. It takes compromise and give and take. And like you Jess, it still drives me nuts when we get together at family functions and the men disappear to watch sports, sleep or sit around and BS while us “dutiful” little women cook, clean & take care of the kids. We’ve tried over the years to get things to change, but some dinosaurs will not be moved/changed. So, we’ve just stopped doing it — i.e. putting on the dinners. Anyway, you sound like you’re enjoying your rural life in Sask. and alot of what you guys are doing reminds me of our childhood farm days. I envy that you are able to grow your own food. I really would like to be able to do that for us too. Take care and have a great life. Hubby’s Aunt
Hubby’s Aunt – it is really interesting to hear your take on how things evolved, in terms of roles, in your family – interestingly, in my own Mom’s family, there were only daughters until around the time Mom left home (her only brother is more than 15 years younger), so the girls did a lot of the farm work there, too. Just that there were no boys to be treated ‘differently’.
I do have to say that, given our different backgrounds, negotiating who does what in the house was pretty challenging at first, and I have to admit, I was not very patient with Hubby in the beginning. He is fantastic now, though, so no complaints over the long term, now that we’ve kind of figured out how we each want things done 🙂
I’m not even sure if it’s the guys copping out and taking the easy way. I have seen the men get chased out of the kitchen when they are offering to help – sometimes teaching them to do it right, or explain what needs to be done, takes more time than a person has when the potatoes are boiling over and the gravy’s about to burn, so we just do it ourselves. I’m as guilty of this as the next gal, but maybe we need to change that attitude, too.
It’s too bad that ‘tradition’ has interfered with something as important as family gatherings. Maybe we should challenge the guys to put on a dinner someday. Who knows, maybe there are some hidden talents lurking in the family…
Do you want to teach a “lesson”? Or eat dinner? Because if you want to eat and not get food poisoning, avoid lesson teaching.
Less lesson teaching, and more providing an opportunity to try doing things differently. I’m happy to eat whatever Hubby puts on the table, and I’ve heard a rumour that you can cook, too, Bro. It’s possible, just maybe, that there’s other guys in your family who can cook…give a little credit. You’ve got some pretty amazing relatives. It might not end up being a turkey-potatoes-and-stuffing dinner, but hey, I like spaghetti, venison roast, and carrot cake, too…
What??? I can cook?? WHO TOLD YOU??????
I respectfully disagree with the lack of turkey and mashed potatoes. But if everyone comes down here we’ll have a brisquet Thanksgiving.
I also recall some fabulous barbequed chicken your Dad put on for our wedding, and nobody died – so even though you’re not so convinced on his culinary skills, I have proof that a he can cook something tasty without killing anyone…and you were even there…
I read in a magazine once that the sexiest thing a man can be is foreign… the 2nd sexiest thing is a good cook. I planned on staying in the US, so I took to cooking… My better half thinks cleaning is pretty hot too, though we do still have the slight differences in what exactly “clean” is…
Great blog you have got here.. It’s difficult to find quality writing like yours nowadays. I really appreciate people like you! Take care!!
This seems like common sense to me, but the weight of convention can make you tired some days. For us, this is a no-brainer. My wife has a strong resume of skills that are in demand, and I have an edge in the building skills. We need a roof over our heads before the snow, and we need some income. When she was offered a job as assistant manager at the local drug store, it took about 10 seconds to work out our job assignments for the next few years.
It seems so obvious…to us 🙂 Of course, other folks have other opinions…